Happy Valentine’s Day

Here’s a Guest Column I wrote for our local newspaper for Valentine’s Day, where I explore small things we can do to connect us to one another in these troubling times.

I tend to downplay Valentine’s Day. Not because I’m opposed to expressing one’s love for another. It’s important we let others know we love them, but I don’t like commercializing an emotion so central to our well-being. 

In fact, from what I’m hearing, I think saying “I love you” may be on the upswing. In a recent phone call with one of my sisters-in-law, who’s not known for her use of affectionate language, she ended the conversation with, “I love you, Linda.” I was caught off guard yet warmed by her unusual good-bye. I quickly responded, “I love you too.” 

When one of my brothers called last month to wish me happy birthday, he ended our call the same way. I was deeply touched, and surprised. Although close growing up, the two of us have drifted away from regular conversation through the years, our exchanges limited mostly to phone calls or texts on each other’s birthday. 

I’m hearing the phrase more frequently from non-family members too. Hugging a new friend good-bye following lunch over the Christmas holiday, she quietly said, “I love you,” and I reciprocated, for I say the phrase more often these days. 

These exchanges got me wondering, “Why?” The most obvious answer may be our age. All three were between people with many decades of living. Sharing an endearment when saying goodbye may come easier as we get older, especially when we begin to lose those we love. Expressing our love feels more urgent, for through loss we’ve come to better understand love. 

There may be other factors at play, though, for I hear these words flow more freely among all age groups. I think it stems from our living with the challenges of the past several years. We’ve all felt the weight of the pandemic and the ways it’s touched every aspect of our life, from classrooms to workplaces, from how we spend our days to how we interact with one another. Even greeting friends and family can feel awkward, as we try to respect those who prefer to keep their distance. 

Another challenge is our country’s deep, seemingly irreparable political divide. There’s also higher murder rates and the bubbling up of long-simmering racial tensions. Add to these an alarming spike in mental health conditions. According to the National Alliance on Mental illness, suicide-related calls to its HelpLine have increased 185 percent, and mental health crisis calls are up 251 percent since the pandemic.

The turmoil we’ve experienced is unsettling, and each of us looks for ways to manage our angst. I’ve learned to turn off the TV, to step away from divisive and unsolvable controversy, and to distance myself from the negativity that permeates many aspects of our life. 

Today’s problems can feel overwhelming, and it seems there’s little we can do. But I see people trying to help heal this divide. Others I’ve talked to say they see it too. Small things like holding doors open for strangers as they enter buildings. Or adding a little extra to a restaurant tip, knowing how strained people in the service industry are. And acknowledging the challenges of customer service representatives as we wait in line, knowing how short-staffed and overworked they are. Most poignantly, though, by saying “I love you” to those dear to us. 

This uptick in kindness echoes the theme of an 18^th-century poem by John Donne, “For Whom the Bell Tolls.” 

No man is an island, Entire in itself. Each is a piece of a continent, Part of the main.

Donne’s poem reminds us of the connectedness of humans, for he ends the poem with:

Any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind.Therefore, send not to know For whom the bell tolls,It tolls for thee. 

Even though we live in challenging and divisive times, I feel a greater connection to all humans than ever before. Today is a time for coming together and supporting one another in whatever way we can.

Happy Valentine’s Day! 

Linda K. Schmitmeyer serves as secretary for the NAMI Butler County PA Board of Directors. A former Butler Eagle columnist and editor, she is the author of “Rambler: A Family Pushes Through the Fog of Mental Illness.” More information at  www.lindaschmitmeyer.com.